What do sarcasm, gluten, and French bull dogs have in common?
The ability to make you pee yourself a little.
The wonderful world of Twitter does it again with so many, many, many people’s musings that it had me crying with laughter. Too bad for the hubs that it was usually at 2 am.
Who needs meds? Just stay on Twitter until you pass out with a smile on your face.
Click on “Read More” to see this week’s hilarious tweets from the Internet’s funniest tweeps!
There are just some days when the grind – or your non-napping 2 year old – gets you down. What can be done about it?
Pretending to be a mature adult for your kids is exhausting.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) January 7, 2014
Hubby: Damnit! 2 yr old: Damnit! Me: Great job. Hon, she repeats everything! Fuck! 2 yr old: Fuck. Hubby: Hahaha
— Sarah Nenni-Daher (@RufflesAndRain) May 9, 2014
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
— June (@junejuly12) November 10, 2012
I’m just sitting here on the grass throwing pebbles into the lake. P.S. Pebbles is really pissed off right now!!
— Schnizzy (@TheSchnizzy) April 26, 2014
I’m curious as to why someone would block me. I’m a goddamn delight.
— Mrs. Anita Helmet (@AnitaHelmet) May 2, 2014
I don’t even know what gluten is, but I am guessing its the stuff that makes all the food I love taste delicious.
— Dixus Actual (@alanwdix) May 16, 2013
Some days they grow up too fast. Others, not fast enough. The first part is about my daughter. The second, my husband.
— Sarah Nenni-Daher (@RufflesAndRain) May 3, 2014
Took me 20 minutes to figure out how to change the clock in my new car. I’m responsible for the lives of two children.
— Queen B (@ThingsGoinOn) March 9, 2014
If you think my tweets are stupid and random, just imagine what doesn’t make it to twitter. That’s the shit my wife has to put up with.
— The Drummy Abides… (@CrashTestDrummy) September 3, 2013
You might be the second one to wake up. But the first one goes back to sleep, right as the third one gets up. You’re a parent.
— Rick-Snow (@TexasCanadian82) April 24, 2014
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
— Smug Lemur (@Smug_Lemur) April 24, 2014
“Woof” — bulldogs “Le Woof” — French bulldogs
— Broga Pants (@crunkdumpster) April 29, 2014
You misspelled “apocalypse,” but, hey, it’s not the end of the world.
— melissa (@melibuff) December 29, 2013
Just saw one of those dresses that are short in front and long in back. Please tell me they’re called “mullet dresses,” please.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) August 12, 2013
I’m going to get up and clean as soon as twitter is over
— just me (@ItsAllCrazyToMe) July 20, 2013
While eating lunch on the patio, I saw a bee and a lizard and got splashed by some water from a tree. Outdoors is so scary.
— Vaguely Dissatisfied (@MmmYeahNo) April 24, 2014
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